Review of the summer:
In honesty, I’ve struggled this summer, by not having the guts to go out and find things like jobs and people due to anxiety I’ve not been as active as I could be, it really made me miss the structure of university, mentors and the lecturers which helped me stay committed to what I was actively doing then and kept me in good frequent social circles, which has taught me things about myself and how its difficult keeping myself going by myself and I already have ideas for next time to make sure that doesn’t happen again.
Over the years I have actively sought for support to combat my anxiety and self esteem, with up and down results, mostly up results I’m happy to say, though I acknowledge I’m not there yet, which personally is a difficult thing to accept when all you want to do is show the best of what you can do and only want to sort problems quickly.
I’m going to upload and talk about what I have managed with lecturers and people close to me when I get the chance, because I feel this will be critical to moving forwards as I’ve only now started to accept or feel comfortable for instance that its okay to approach people over the summer with problems and to openly talk, this is something I found hard to take in as I thought I’d only be causing a nuisance or would be ignored due to it being a holiday, but I feel talking would help get me out of my shell and let myself think better as a whole rather than self doubting and taking it upon myself for little “failures” that have happened. Like the competitions I started and got nowhere with I don’t feel it was entirely my fault because I think that was me not recognising when to take help, or biting off more than I could handle with the organising because it wasn’t going right and I couldn’t stick to it.
I should have from the beginning stepped back and gone to ask someone to help see me through it so I wouldn’t have felt so insecure to make sure I was following what I said I was going to do and was actively being active and to help assess the situation for what it was.
And I don’t feel like that’s such a bad thing to accept thinking about it as a bigger thing if its only taking me this long then that’s okay, because at least I’m recognising it, same with some of my other barriers, if I do have to plan and do something alongside someone else then that isn’t a failure, what is, is not doing anything at all. Like wise I had several warnings to try and get active which I took into mind, but I think I took it too seriously upon myself to do things by myself and let the pressure overwhelm me, knowing that now, and that sinking in now it might be slow for others or ignorant but for me perhaps that’s all I needed so I’m going to see where things go from here on out, I have so much to think about that I’d be here all day talking about the good and the bad of this holiday, what I could have done better and what I could have done without doing.
Really to keep all this short I’m more driven to work harder this time I just don’t think the drive quite hit me over the holiday where it could have been more beneficial and rather later where there was only so much I could really actively do. And realising things and taking things in was unhelpfully overwhelming. However if I’ve got to change my mind set, drop games draw more I’m going to really try, if I try to stay on the ball to let myself make the changes I want to make to do what I feel I’m capable of, I might reduce self created stress and get happier outcomes. Its just going to be hard as I’m only now seeing that I really am prone to distraction which might link back to autism in some situations and how my brain is wired and why I do things like fiddle and play games which I think could be at times due to how I handle things that stress me.